There are so many things that are just not right about Los Angeles. It's 80 degrees in January, bars close at 2 a.m., and rush hour starts at 2:30 in the afternoon. BUT! Then there are other things that are trying for good, they really are, but they just aren't quite making it -- carpool lanes that trap you inside like a high-security prison; a public transportation system that goes from nowhere to nowhere because Beverly Hills, which is smack dab in the middle, wouldn't let us regular people ride through it; and a restaurant grading system with a curve that looks like a ride at Six Flags.

I know what you're thinking, "Did you say restaurant grading system?" Yes, yes I did. Thanks to the LA County Department of Public Health, restaurants are assigned a letter grade based on their inspection, and then are legally required to post said letter grade, in the form of a 12" sign in their front window. Here's the thing though, pretty much every restaurant you see gets an A; there are no Ds or Fs (in open facilities), so how reliable is it? If most places are getting As, what does that say about a B? That it's really kind of like a C-? It passes, but you KNOW there is definitely stuff they're doing wrong. And a C? That's probably akin to an F; you're risking your life by eating there and what's on the plate is anybody's guess.

What if this program existed in New York? My guess: there would be no restaurants and the city's inhabitants would die of malnutrition. It's sort of an unspoken understanding that when you eat food in NYC, it's at least a little bit dirty. My palette has even acquired this taste because to me, B stands for Better in LA cuisine.

Well guess what, East Coast folks, prepare to have your minds blown and your stomachs turned. (WARNING: This is not for the faint of heart.) Go to this website, type in the name of your favorite eatery, and behold their abysmal score (lower is better). You too can know whether your regular lunch spot has mice infestations, rat infestations, or both! And lest you think that vegan restaurants aren't prey due to their lack of meaty supplies to be fed upon, think again. Some of my favorite spots are just one (1!) point away from having to spin their OPEN signs around.

What did you find? Comment!

The first time I ate at Swingers I likened it to Kate's Joint, my beloved East Village diner, which may not be widely believed to be beloving worthy anymore. I was so happy! Not entirely vegetarian but surprisingly vegan friendly (surprise due in part to the cow portraits as wall art), Swingers has two locations (one in West Hollywood and one in Santa Monica) with near identical pop punk decor, sort of like when you get neighboring hotel rooms and they're mirror images of each other. Did I mention the waitresses wear goth catholic school girl uniforms?

Sadly, there is no Unturkey Club. Or Buffalo Wingless burgers. I don't think I've ever had a less edible veggie burger than the one at Swingers. But I'm getting ahead of my complaining... I have been to Swingers lots of times for lots of reasons: it was very close to where I was picketing during the writers strike and they gave us free foods (rumor on the street had it that the generosity was due to Drew Carey, a fan of writers, being a part owner), it's one of the few places in LA that's open almost 24-hours, non-vegans always suggest it as a compromise and it seems like a fair one. But here's what I've finally come to realize--explosive diarrhea is not a compromise I am willing to make anymore. I've tried their vegan pancakes (with and without chocolate chips), I've had their vegan sloppy joe, I've eaten their vegan nachos, their tofu chilaquiles, the vegan cobb salad, the vegan cheesecakes they used to carry and every single time, without fail, I spent the next morning paying a non-monetary price of the bathroom kind.

I'm not sure what they're doing over there. Is it the water? It tastes like it could be the water. We are close to Mexico, and this is starting to feel like a third-world country (we're paying our government employees in IOUs whaa?), but that's ridiculous. Even when I abstained from drinking their undrinkable tap water the results were the same. Is the vegan cheese not really vegan after all? (Maybe Operation Pancake needs to do some sleuthin'...) Possible, but a li'l casein wouldn't make me that ill. I have an on-the-stronger-side stomach (not quite carbon steel, stainless maybe. And here's the thing: I have talked to other vegans and they have said The. Same. Thing.

So let this be a warning to you, dear SV readers. Learn from my repeated suffering. I gave them many too many chances, thinking like an abuse victim that this time would be different. This time they wouldn't hurt me. THEY ALWAYS HURT ME. From the inside so you don't see it, and where it's easy to forget. But just like that lady from the Modern Love column in the NYTimes last weekend, I will no longer take part in this suffering. There is better vegan food out there for me in Los Angeles. Maybe not after 10pm, but still...

Earlier this week Quarrygirl posted the findings of Operation Pancake, their investigation to determine whether LA-area vegan restaurants serve food containing casein, egg, or shellfish. With painstakingly careful testing, they found that selected dishes at seven out of 15 restaurants contained non-vegan ingredients.

The tests—true-to-life egg, casein, and shellfish testing kits that work kind of like pregnancy tests and are used in the food industry—offered five results: invalid, negative, positive, high, and overload. (The testing process is kind of complicated, so I suggest reading the blog for details.) The single restaurant whose food tested overload for anything is Green Leaves Vegan, where the quesadilla contains casein. Quarrygirl hilariously excerpts an image of the menu, which claims the quesadilla contains "casein-free (non-dairy) melted vegan cheese."

Years ago, when my brother took it upon himself to move to the godforsaken place (if you believe in God), I sent him the chapter "Let's Dump On Orange County" from Michael Moore's Downsize This!:

A friend of mine says everything bad in the country always seems to come from California. And he doesn't mean the earthquakes, fires, floods, and riots. His list is long and impressive: Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, John Wayne, all the major defense contractors, Disneyland, the John Birch Society, Congressman Bob Dornan, the anti-immigrant movement, Prop. 13, the anti-tax initiative, the Mighty Ducks, Charles Manson. I told him that, other than Manson, everything he mentioned actually has one connecting thread: Orange County, California, a massive sprawl of land and people between Los Angeles and San Diego. Nixon was born there, Reagan got 75 percent of the vote there, and a big statue of the Duke, who lived and died there, greets you upon landing at Orange County's John Wayne Airport.

To be fair(ish), I don't have a crush on Michael Moore the way I used to, and there was that show, but after spending yesterday in the O.C. I felt it necessary to report that not everything that comes from there is bad, and I'm not even talking about my nephew. My brother, in an up till now never-before-seen gesture of kindness suggested we meet for lunch at The Camp, which was not a room full of macaroni art supplies and archery kits for out-of-school kids, but rather a nicely designed complex of buildings where yuppies, hippies and ex-band geeks like my 90 year-old 35 year-old brother can spend their hard earned monies. My mind was blown.

To celebrate the anniversary of me leaving my home and vegan mecca, New York City, for the fiery, trafficated, actor-scape that is Los Angeles, I decided to go on a pilgrimage to the city that has always done right by me: Pasadena. I didn't have a ton of time to begin with, and it was further shortened by said traffic, but I had a trifecta planned and I hit my locales in order of importance.

First stop was at the Alternative Outfitters showroom. I had bought footwear from their website before, but never been there in person and it was a great and also a terrible experience. Great because I bought three pairs of spicy new kicks. Terrible because I bought three pairs of spicy new kicks. If you've ever been to MooShoes in NY, then you'll understand when I say that this place is its opposite. That is not a judgement, just sayin'--there are no cats, no Matt & Nat or Novacas products, and I could sort of afford to buy three pairs of spicy new kicks. Additionally, the employees were super friendly--one lady and I communed over our mutual love for Taco Bell, and there was a gentleman whose name and phone number I failed to catch, that was adorable-in-the-face as he listened to The Shins whilst filling your internet orders and swiping my Visa card.

Mike White's new film Year of the Dog opens today in Los Angeles and New York City. After her dog dies, Peggy (Molly Shannon) meets an ASPCA volunteer (Peter Sarsgaard) and becomes a vegan and animal rights activist (and something of a dog hoarder). Director/writer/actor Mike White is vegan and awesome (read: doubly awesome) and this film looks like some excellent PR for "the movement."

Read the New York Times' and New York Sun's respective reviews and check out showtimes for LA and NYC.

Update: Mike White is maybe not so vegan after all.

• "What's wrong with a little foie gras in our time?" Unfortunately not an April Fool's prank.
• The Onion gets man-on-the-street opinion on BK's recent humane changes.
• All vegan cycling team!
• The Herald Sun publishes a nice animal rights column by guest writer Phillip Barron.
• A vegan says what? over at Toothpaste for Dinner.
• Bay Ridge, Brooklyn council member Vince Gentile is handing out a humane raccoon repellant to residents with especially delectable, raccoon-friendly trash. "The cuddly critters are considered wildlife and cannot just be killed."
• Secret Kitchen event! Coming in May! Hosted by no-longer-vegan celebrity chef Isa Chandra Moskowitz! Don't eat the cheese!
• And this Saturday is the Farm Sanctuary annual gala benefit. Registration deadline has passed, so just salivate over the free food & drink, the Ally Sheedy, or the $100 you saved. Update: Deadline extended through tomorrow!

Last time I was in Toronto, I bought a veggie dog or ten from a regular ol' street vendor for a toonie. Call me simple, but it brought me enormous joy to purchase street unmeats, right there on the sidewalk. Well Angelenos, follow my step-by-step guide and, you too, can buy your very own Not Dog:

1. Buy a ticket to a Dodger game.
2. Pay ($15-35) to park your car at Dodger Stadium.
3. Traverse the appx. 30 minute obstacle course to actually park your car.
4. Find your way to the concession stand at Level 7, Section 3-5.
5. If attendance is low, and the Level 7, Section 3-5 stand is closed, don't give up. Put some hustle in it and go over to Reserved Aisle 24. They should have them.
6. Pay $6 for a Lightlife Smart Jumbo Dog on a Bimbo Bakery bun.
7. Consume in three bites.
8. Repeat steps 6, 7.
9. Get back in your car.
10. Make your way out of the parking lot--this may take upwards of an hour.
11. Stop at Ralphs and buy a package of Lightlife Smart Jumbo Dogs for $3.
12. If it's Thursday, head to Vegan Pot-Luck Happy Hour at The Short Stop and tip Julie one of your pups and a toonie.

GoJane is for all the ladies out there, or Loch Ness Boyfriends (a mythical creature that shops for her), who want to not wear someone else's skin on top of their own, yet still manage to look their personal best. I am a firm (also how I like my tofu) believer that, as a vegan, I have to try harder. I must put only my best pleather foot forward because I'm the one living differently. And to my critics, one bland veggie meal (lookin' at you Angelica's circa 1997) gives vegetarianism a bad name. One pair of Earth shoes and all vegans are hippies. But buy one pair of Novacas and I can't afford my meatless technologies from May Wah for three months (even with their membership I don't have).

California based e-tailer GoJane is in no way associated with veganity, but their shoes are cheap, stylish, and for the most part made of Nessy not Norman (make sure you read the product description for materials before purchasing). There's even a coupon for free, lightning fast shipping! I make no claims as to their comfort levels, but I'd rather hide at the bottom of the LA River with Johnny Knoxville's ankle or Kenickie or the Governator than have people be able to spot my special needs lifestyle by looking at my feet.

(And be sure to check out the other vegan footware vendors in our web directory.)

Ever since Dunkin' Donuts opened up a mega-plant on my block it has been olfactory torture. I like my coffee to taste like candy, but I can't even get that...or can I?! I just got an e-mail from Jon Luther, CEO of Dunkin' Donuts: "we are revising our service model to eventually include...non-dairy products."

Ask and ye shall receive has never been more apparent. I spent about ten minutes this morning looking for Luther's e-mail address so that I might electronically assault him for not meeting my needs. I didn't find it, so I made an educated guess, and guess what - it worked! He replied in T minus three minutes. Read the full transcript of our exchange after the jump.