They also provide a handy list of “Vegetarian-Friendly Sex Slang,” which includes such euphemisms as “peeling the banana,” “tossing the salad,” and (my favorite) “putting Monsanto in yoursanto.”

Anyways, go read the whole thing. And lets hope they can give lots more charts and stats about the sexual proclivities of vegans and vegetarians in the future. (And I guess omnivores, too, for comparison.)

PS: remember vegansexuals?

Babeland’s Jaguar Harness is now vegan, according to Shewired. No leather necessary for super good times!

The insanely timely hilarious geniuses at Vegansaurus gave us a recipe for a vegan version of KFC’s heart-clogging, rotting body parts, media darling sandwich, the Double Down. Oh my god, Rudy, get your deep fryer.

As of this week, Mondays are vegetarian days in San Francisco, the Board of Supervisors declared in a resolution Tuesday. Yaaaayyyy! Whatever it means in practice, we like the theory and hope it means more delicious veggies for all.

Since life isn’t all fried seitan and Meatless Mondays, and because you need something to show your friend who doesn’t understand that egg farming causes suffering, we give you the Humane Society of the United States’s latest undercover investigation, released Wednesday. Warning: you might puke.

In restaurant news, Souen on 13th Street will close for several months starting next week to renovate, so if you like your hippie food served in a hippie restaurant, go eat there right now, hippie.

‘sNice Soho will open NEXT WEEK so get in a sandwich-y, coffee-y mood with me!

Oh, and in other ‘sNice news! Two of their employees were stabbed last month (shocking and horrible, i know!), so ‘sNice in the West Village is having a benefit to support them on Sunday, April 11, 6-9 p.m. $10 at the door. There will be vegan pigs in a blanket! And me! I will be there!

Enough about restaurants. Registration for the Let Live conference in Portland is open. June 25-27 at Portland State University. Speakers will include Gene Baur, Josh Hooten, Andy Stephanian, Isa Moskowitz, Jasmin Singer, and others TBA.

Oxygen Network sexpert Sue Johanson has been served with a lawsuit from the American Meat Institute for what the industry group calls “unsubstantiated claims based on limited or anecdotal evidence.”

In a segment of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson called Hard to Swallow (watch video above), the octogenarian sex educator tells a caller to tell her husband to “give up meat” to help improve the taste of his semen. Johanson goes on to say, “vegetarians, vegans who only eat fruits and vegetables…their ejaculate is sweet and nut-like, whereas males who eat meat, their ejaculate tastes bitter, like burnt leather.”

Though the lovable, sex-advice dishing grandma has retired, the American Meat Institute’s public affairs manager, Tonya Allen (who ironically also serves as the “chief media contact and spokesperson for AMI’s National Hot Dog and Sausage Council”) says they are seeking an unspecified sum for punitive damages for “irreparable harm to meat’s image” and “an immediate cease and desist judgement” to end reruns of the show and the online availability of the clip.

PETA vice president Dan Mathews vows to defend Johanson. “This is the same sort of frivolous lawsuit that the meat industry has slapped on Oprah and others before to stifle free speech,” says Mathews. “We’re calling on vegan men to volunteer to take part in a blind, scientific taste test study to back up Sue Jo.”

Vegan penises: larger and in-charger.

Guys, a penis fact! Vegan Porn compared Condomania’s recently published penis size rankings to the population of vegans in U.S. cities, and GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND?* Vegan men have bigger cucumbers! THIS IS A TOTALLY ACCURATE, MATHEMATICAL, BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE CORRELATION SO STOP TELLING ME IT ISN’T TRUE/NOT REALLY WHAT THEY FOUND. Men: go vegan and your penis will grow. (Could it hurt? No. So DO IT.**) And I mean, who wouldn’t rather take it from a vegan, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

Also in the long, enormous (can’t help myself) category of Environmental Consciousness Is Good for the Earth and My Sex Life and Your Bank Account and Kitties: Y’know how Nadya Suleman (God I hate to say it but you won’t know who I’m talking about unless I say it so I’m going to say it), Octomom, hasn’t paid for her house and faces a foreclosure lawsuit? And how EVERYONE and their DOG is offering her, uh, unconventional opportunities to earn some cash? Well! Thursday she accepted one such offer from PETA, who basically said, “Put this sign on your lawn and we’ll give you $5,000 and a month’s supply of veggie burgers and hot dogs. WIN-WIN!”

*OK, so really they said they couldn’t find a trend, but then realized most vegans are women, so: inconclusive project. But MAYBE!

**It’s not about the size of the tofu, but what you bake with it. NOW GO BAKE ME SOME SWEET, SWEET LOVIN.

So you’ve always wanted to know all about the ins and outs of gender, sexuality, and vegan cooking. Fine – you’ve never really thought about it. But now you may just have the perfect reason!

In the debut episode of Cooking with Trannies, Chef Alexa helps out a transboy who wants to impress his vegan date with some homecooking.

Join Chef Alexa (a vegan chef-in-training) as she embarks on her mission to “teach trannies to cook flavorful vegan meals” and helps Trent (of “That’s My Jam” fame) whip up a dish of Vegan Spaghetti and Not-Balls (get it?).

Learn about everything from the art of chiffonade to why a transgender man who is dating a bio man would bother transitioning in the first place!

I’d bite too if this guy were dragging me out of bed.

• Think your organic fruits and veggies are antibiotic-free? Think again. Yet another reason to start that victory garden.
• Wanna donate a kidney? You can choose to give one to another animal advocate, like Hillary Rettig did. Apparently you can also have one taken out through your hooha.
• Now that I’ve whetted your appetite: Luna bars and Uncle Eddies cookies were recalled because of the salmonella outbreak.
• Obama’s not thrilled about the pb&j situation. So while he’s made some questionable choices, maybe the appointment of Cass Sunstein as regulatory czar is cause for hope.
• One of the owners of Stogo isn’t vegan. Do you care? I don’t. As long as he respects us, unlike some other restaurateurs.
• Was anyone else a little bit happy to hear that groundhog Chuck bit the mayor? And not surprised that he’s now going to be “retired”? Maybe he was pissed about the new Pedigree commercials using all those wild animals. Especially the one where the guy throws a Frisbee in the bull’s face.
• Speaking of commercials, by now everyone’s seen the PETA ad that was too racy for the Super Bowl. (Not that I watched; there were better things on TV.) I guess sex and football don’t go together. But in the name of synergy, I’m glad someone finally removed the ad for BACON SALT from this article about how well Ellen DeGeneres is doing since she went vegan.

This week’s issue of Time Out New York is all about what makes us horny, and PETA has pretty much made it common knowledge that nothing is sexier than a vegan. So it should come as no surprise that NYC’s most ethically fabulous vegan Joshua Katcher was chosen as the top profile in “Flesh Direct”– a feature in which TONY readers posed nude and art-directed their own photos.

Katcher, who chose to modestly cover his twig-and-berries with a bunch of organic beets purchased at the Union Square farmer’s market, said:

The green movement is finally becoming sexy– and it’s because of food. Food is like sex: You interact with it physically, you put it in your body. I’d rather have an amazing meal than mediocre sex.

I can get with that, but what I can’t really get with is the photo of the naked vet examining a cat. Weird.

Update: New York Magazine’s Grub Street calls the “vegansexual” spread “ridiculous,” thus managing to criticize one aspect of vegan culture while simultaneously appropriating the language of our culture for street cred. See, we are a minority!

Suicide Girls featured in peta2′s MySpace photo album

Today The New York Times reports on the riff in the vegan community over whether or not using female sexuality to animal rights is ethical.

Vegan Vixens founder Sky Valencia, Suicide Girls founder Missy Suicide, Skinny Bitch Rory Freeman, and the everclassy vegan strip club owner Johnny Diablo were quoted as being among those who don’t have a problem with the use of sexuality to promote animal rights. Sexual Politics of Meat author Carol J. Adams, chef/Vegan Freak Bob Torres were also interviewed and clearly aren’t buying into the idea that the path to animal liberation will be paved with dropped panties.

In related news, Isa Chandra Moskowitz will soon be abandoning Brooklyn for Portland! We’ll miss her and all the vegan street creds her residency lent our fair borough.

As one door opens for the Portland vegan community, another door closes. Johnny Diablo has put Casa Diablo, the world’s first and only vegan strip club, on the real estate market a mere 2 months after an extremely well-publicized opening.

Mike brings new meaning to “I’d like to speak to your manager.”

Keep democracy alive: Take a few moments to vote for PETA’s Sexist Vegetarian Next Door.

Candle 79 patrons might recognize Michael, a snowboarding NYU student who works as a manager at the upscale restaurant. My friend Marisa, who seems to be his campaign manager, writes, “He deserves our vote if for no other reason than having served thousands of giggling girls (and guys) delectable dishes and drinks with a dashing smile. Oh yeah, and he’s been vegan since he was twelve. Now that’s HOT.”

Snacks and snatch.

Portland seems to be a veritable vegan paradise, complete with an all vegan strip mall and now an all vegan strip club.

Johnny Diablo, an ethical vegan of 23 years, opened Casa Diablo Gentlemen’s Club earlier this month in the site of his now closed pirate themed vegan family restaurant, Pirates Tavern– a business that, according to The Willamette Weekly, Diablo claims didn’t thrive because most vegans live at the poverty level or below.

Though Casa Diablo dancers are forbidden to wear animal products, Diablo doesn’t boast the establishment’s vegan status (except when courting the press). Neither its flier nor its Mexican menu mention the V-word. This time around, Diablo hopes to strike gold with an alluring combo of T&A and a smoke-free environment–things he hopes the moneyed non-vegan masses and privileged vegans with pockets full of dollar bills can enjoy.

For juicy gossip and strong opinions about the hypocrisy of this business, check out The PPK and The Portland Mercury.

For a fun look inside the place, check out this news clip from Fox’s Good Morning Portland where Diablo says, “Vixens, not veal. Sizzle, not steak. We put the meat on the pole, not on the plate.” Awesome! Johnny Diablo is officially my favorite dirty old man.

I heart Anthony Bourdain. Not!

Today the New York Times‘ Dining & Wine section features “I Love You, but You Love Meat,” an article exploring the dynamics of relationships between veggies and omnis. Article highlights include carnisexual foodie Anthony Bourdain‘s description of “vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans” as “the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit” and the tale of the omni wife of a vegetarian man who, along with their teen daughter, throws “meat parties” when her husband is out of town.

According to our August 2007 Wet Hot Sticky Sex Poll, 35% of vegans polled would have sexy time only with a vegan and 29% would sex up an omni.

It’s a different intern this year, and unlike last year’s stripper, 2008′s girl has matching underwear. I don’t believe she’s a real vegan, though. She’s only got, like, two tattoos. Spoiler: the punchline is “I will be fur free.”

Cobble Hill: Live with two other vegans in this $750/month room

The first time around was just too much fun. Here’s what some of our vegan brethren are looking for on NYC Craigslist.

• Female nudist (who is also a good cook!) seeks a free room in exchange for hanging around naked and “some light housekeeping.”
• 22-year old male Kids in the Hall (and short shorts) fan seeks “skinny pretty down for adventure” female.
• Shameless 26-year old blogger, publicist and food addict plugs his Cobble Hill room for rent on his own blog. And it’s not his first time.
• Asian fetishist “seeking to date asian women under 35.” Aiya, maybe he should order one at BigBadChineseMama.com and experience some traditional ass-kicking perfected by years of exotic secret Asian history.
• Kirsten, a 19-year old model, “scrumptiously seek[s] to find a man [she] can devour” and have regular hookups with on a long term basis.

Why isn’t this stuff in the SuperVegan forum?!?!

“Nasty, bad, naughty boy” – Ex-Senator Larry Craig

Apparently ex-Senator Larry Craig’s (self-)hatred of gays also extends to animals. While in Congress, he had managed to score an incredible, jaw-dropping big fat zero on the Humane Scorecard every single term since the Humane Society of the United States began keeping tabs on legislative zeros and heros for animals in 2000.

The water-closeted Idaho Republican voted against bans of recreational and commercial trapping on national wildlife refuges using steel-jaw leghold traps and the wholesale slaughter of wild and domestic American horses for foreign appetites.

He was a no-show for important bills such as making dogfighting and other animal fighting a federal felony and closing a loophole that allowed large-scale commercial pet breeders that peddle animals on the internet from not meeting the minimum standards of care required by the Animal Welfare Act.

Where was “naughty boy” Craig? I’ll leave that to your imagination. Meanwhile, animal advocates should be happy that he has picked up his pants and flushed himself away from Congress.

Prince, the patron saint of vegan sex.

They say people don’t care about science, but the new scientist-coined term “vegansexual” is suddenly everywhere. Our own Patrick Kwan was recently interviewed on the subject in the New York Daily News (they renamed him Paul, but that’s our boy).

So, are you a vegansexual? Or are you veggiesexual, willing to snog a mere vegetarian? Are you like me, and can’t afford to be that picky? Are you an asexual friend of animals like Morrissey? Or are you a carnisexual like these revolting steak hags profiled in the New York Times? Vote in our poll, and tell us all the dirty details in the comments! (If you can’t see the poll below, click here to vote.)

“I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.”

Dear Mom & Dad,

You may have suspected this all along.

The doll of Dipsy from the Teletubbies in my room…the “All This and Vegan Too” sticker on my backpack…that “carrot” shirt. And of course, that craigslist ad you saw on my computer looking for vegan “roommates.”

The truth is there’s no one I’d like to make tofu scramble more with in the mornings than with another vegan. I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.

Dad, I know you must be asking “have you ever tried not being a vegansexual?” Yes, ever since I was just a vegetarian, I’ve been with animal-munchers. I refuse to live a lie anymore. Though vegans do taste better, it’s really not just about sex, dad. Really, there’s something awfully sexy about compassion – nothing tickles my g-sprout more than seeing someone rescue an animal, protest cruelty, or filling their shopping baskets with seitan, soymilk, tofu, and veggies.

Mom, I know this must be hard for you – as it is for me. But please understand that it disgusts me when I see someone eating eggs. They are menstrual cycle by-products, mom. Eating them is like licking your pads. And please don’t get me started on mammary secretions.

Think of it this way, instead of having just one vegan child, you will have two! Two vegans to enjoy cooking veggies and eating out at veggie restaurants with you, mom!

I know this will take some time and you may have a hard time explaining to everyone that you have a vegansexual child. But I know you must be so happy for me that I am proud and have finally came out of the pantry.

Love & Tofu,

Your Vegansexual Son

The Dutch will do all sorts of things to sheep.

The New Zealand Centre for Human-Animal Studies has released “Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians & Other Ethical Consumers” (108 page PDF). It profiles 157 people (I know, but that’s probably a big percentage of the population down there) on how and why they live animal-friendly lives. Stuff has a report on the sex-related findings and the coinage of the word “vegansexual” for people who will only fuck other vegans.

Did you notice how I avoided making any sheep jokes in the New Zealand story? Here’s why: In more disturbing sex news, a man who raped a sheep in the Netherlands had his case thrown out of court, as the sheep was unable to testify that she “didn’t want to have sex and had suffered emotional stress.” Bestiality is only a crime there unless it can be proven that the animal didn’t want to have sex. It sounds like the Partij voor de Dieren has some work to do!

Crown Heights: $650/month room in this apt with a vegan student.

Well, SuperVegan’s very own forum isn’t very juicy (anyone care to change this?), so I had to drop by the NYC craigslist ads for some fun.

• A caps lock-happy vegan with 8 cats seeks other vegans to fill 6 bedrooms and “start a cooperative eco-vegan household” on Staten Island.
• An Upper East Side 26 year-old gay vegan seeks more than just a Mr. Right Now to explore “Taoist essence retention and chi cultivation (retaining semen and converting it into energy that can be used toward optimal physical development).”
• Columbia University Dining Services has an immediate opening for a “Chef de Cuisine” who will direct the production of all food, including vegetarian and vegan items.
• A new vegan is offering a “great deal” on his old leather jacket.
• A 23 year-old vegan woman is “looking for a Daddy, not a sugar daddy.”

It’s a widely held belief that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. As we vegans conscientiously muddle our way through National Masturbation Month, it seems worth investigating if there’s any truth to this maxim.

The most complete study to date uses fairly conservative metrics and measures the deaths of American kittens (any gender, up to one year old) agaist the masturbation habits of American human males. Doing the math, it’s determined that there are well over 5000 acts of masturbation for each kitten death:

“The average American man can masturbate regularly for 22.5 years before he is responsible for the death of a single kitten. Indeed, with a life expectancy of less than 75 years, the average man will be responsible for only two or three kitten deaths in a lifetime of vigorous masturbation.”

So have fun at your Masturbate-a-thons, but do spare a thought for the kittens. (All these links are work-safe, believe it or not.)

Yawn. Once the striptease is out of the way, we see a series of video clips depicting animal cruelty, all accompanied by a sensitive guy song that amplifies the sheer discomfort of it all, Goldfinger’s ‘Free Me’. (Is this the real agenda of the animal rights movement – a Sarah McLachlan CD in every stereo?)

Confession: on my first viewing of the video, I switched it off as soon as soon as the self-described “hot chick” left the screen, thereby completely missing the animal rights message. Perhaps the video would have been more effective if the clips of the woman stripping were juxtaposed with the clips of factory farms, animal experimentation, et al. Then again, if PETA had done that, they might have invited uncomfortable comparisons to The Sexual Politics of Meat.

Field Roast sausage, looking dangerous.

Never in my somewhat-wild dreams did I imagine searching “vegan” on the beloved and sometimes scandalous Craigslist would yield so many capital letters.

VEGETARIAN AND VEGAN FEMALES NEEDED. A UNIQUE GIG. HIGH PAY.

YOU CAN BE ANY AGE AND ANY RACE. A UNIQUE GIG. PRIVATE AND DISCRETE. EVENING/WEEKEND ARE AVAILABLE. REGULAR BASE AVAILABLE. PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR AGE, HEIGHT/WEIGHT. PICTURE A PLUS. HIGH PAY. $200-$400 EACH TIME.

Unique, perhaps; mysterious, most definitely. Is the sex – er, I mean, casual encounters industry seeking a more sophisticated (and sexy) crop of escorts by going veg? Is someone seeking models for rapidly-photographed sessions of hide the Field Roast smoked apple sage vegan sausage? (I’d eat it, if I were you – those things are tasty.)

What are your theories? Anyone gutsy enough to respond? Anyone unspeakably offended? Discuss!

If the hippie-mobile’s a rockin…

If that certain something in the Spring air has you looking for some lovin’ but you just aren’t sure how to get it, you can always turn to the Dating, Personals, and Sex section of our vegan web directory. There you can find Nerve’s sex advice from vegans, several dating websites catering to veg*ns, and, if all else fails (or just won’t do), vegan personal sex doodads.

If the object of your affections is the hippie chick or dude at the juice bar (oh, come on, we’ve all gone there), give these pick-up lines courtesy of VegNews’ Sex and Romance Issue a whirl:

1. If I said you had the body of an all-natural, organic-living, animal-loving, environment-nurturing, whale-saving sex machine, would you hold it against me? Please?
2. May I take your picture? It’s for the World’s Sexiest Vegetarian competition.
3. Could you help me out? I’m trying to decide if I want to keep these new hemp sheets, but I need a second opinion.
4. Your organic cotton t-shirt looks really soft. Can I feel it?
5. Wanna come up and see my Vitamix?
6. What’s your favorite thing to do with agave nectar?
7. Do you like my new skirt? I love pleather but it makes me all hot and sweaty.
8. Mmmmm. I could really go for a hot veggie dog right about now.
9. I’ll eat Hip Whip on anything.
10. How do you get your protein?

This sexy article on Bonobo chimpanzees caught my eye. CNN reports that Bonobos (a.k.a. the Hippie Chimps) squash squabbles by making love, not war. I think humans have a lot to learn from these guys. Despite their frequent love fests, the bonobo females only give birth to one baby every five years. Unfortunately, lots of people find Bonobos tasty and the underground bush meat trade is making chimp population alarmingly low. To learn more about bonobos and how you can protect them, visit the Jane Goodall Institute. As an alternative to eating bonobos, how about eating at Bonobo’s?