“I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.”
Dear Mom & Dad,
You may have suspected this all along.
The doll of Dipsy from the Teletubbies in my room…the “All This and Vegan Too” sticker on my backpack…that “carrot” shirt. And of course, that craigslist ad you saw on my computer looking for vegan “roommates.”
The truth is there’s no one I’d like to make tofu scramble more with in the mornings than with another vegan. I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.
Dad, I know you must be asking “have you ever tried not being a vegansexual?” Yes, ever since I was just a vegetarian, I’ve been with animal-munchers. I refuse to live a lie anymore. Though vegans do taste better, it’s really not just about sex, dad. Really, there’s something awfully sexy about compassion – nothing tickles my g-sprout more than seeing someone rescue an animal, protest cruelty, or filling their shopping baskets with seitan, soymilk, tofu, and veggies.
Mom, I know this must be hard for you – as it is for me. But please understand that it disgusts me when I see someone eating eggs. They are menstrual cycle by-products, mom. Eating them is like licking your pads. And please don’t get me started on mammary secretions.
Think of it this way, instead of having just one vegan child, you will have two! Two vegans to enjoy cooking veggies and eating out at veggie restaurants with you, mom!
I know this will take some time and you may have a hard time explaining to everyone that you have a vegansexual child. But I know you must be so happy for me that I am proud and have finally came out of the pantry.
Love & Tofu,
Your Vegansexual Son