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Do Vegans Kill Kittens?

It’s a widely held belief that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. As we vegans conscientiously muddle our way through National Masturbation Month, it seems worth investigating if there’s any truth to this maxim.

The most complete study to date uses fairly conservative metrics and measures the deaths of American kittens (any gender, up to one year old) agaist the masturbation habits of American human males. Doing the math, it’s determined that there are well over 5000 acts of masturbation for each kitten death:

“The average American man can masturbate regularly for 22.5 years before he is responsible for the death of a single kitten. Indeed, with a life expectancy of less than 75 years, the average man will be responsible for only two or three kitten deaths in a lifetime of vigorous masturbation.”

So have fun at your Masturbate-a-thons, but do spare a thought for the kittens. (All these links are work-safe, believe it or not.)

1 Comment

  1. Comment by


    on #

    This is just too damn funny! I especially like the image of the kitten running away from the ??? monsters. My conscience is now at ease.