Vegan penises: larger and in-charger.
Guys, a penis fact! Vegan Porn compared Condomania’s recently published penis size rankings to the population of vegans in U.S. cities, and GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND?* Vegan men have bigger cucumbers! THIS IS A TOTALLY ACCURATE, MATHEMATICAL, BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE CORRELATION SO STOP TELLING ME IT ISN’T TRUE/NOT REALLY WHAT THEY FOUND. Men: go vegan and your penis will grow. (Could it hurt? No. So DO IT.**) And I mean, who wouldn’t rather take it from a vegan, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?
Also in the long, enormous (can’t help myself) category of Environmental Consciousness Is Good for the Earth and My Sex Life and Your Bank Account and Kitties: Y’know how Nadya Suleman (God I hate to say it but you won’t know who I’m talking about unless I say it so I’m going to say it), Octomom, hasn’t paid for her house and faces a foreclosure lawsuit? And how EVERYONE and their DOG is offering her, uh, unconventional opportunities to earn some cash? Well! Thursday she accepted one such offer from PETA, who basically said, “Put this sign on your lawn and we’ll give you $5,000 and a month’s supply of veggie burgers and hot dogs. WIN-WIN!”
Now this woman is literally a postergirl for NOT reproducing. I just love when the figurative becomes the literal.
*OK, so really they said they couldn’t find a trend, but then realized most vegans are women, so: inconclusive project. But MAYBE!
**It’s not about the size of the tofu, but what you bake with it. NOW GO BAKE ME SOME SWEET, SWEET LOVIN.