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Mom…Dad…I’m a Vegansexual

“I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.”

Dear Mom & Dad,

You may have suspected this all along.

The doll of Dipsy from the Teletubbies in my room…the “All This and Vegan Too” sticker on my backpack…that “carrot” shirt. And of course, that craigslist ad you saw on my computer looking for vegan “roommates.”

The truth is there’s no one I’d like to make tofu scramble more with in the mornings than with another vegan. I’m a friend of Dipsy. I’m a vegansexual.

Dad, I know you must be asking “have you ever tried not being a vegansexual?” Yes, ever since I was just a vegetarian, I’ve been with animal-munchers. I refuse to live a lie anymore. Though vegans do taste better, it’s really not just about sex, dad. Really, there’s something awfully sexy about compassion – nothing tickles my g-sprout more than seeing someone rescue an animal, protest cruelty, or filling their shopping baskets with seitan, soymilk, tofu, and veggies.

Mom, I know this must be hard for you – as it is for me. But please understand that it disgusts me when I see someone eating eggs. They are menstrual cycle by-products, mom. Eating them is like licking your pads. And please don’t get me started on mammary secretions.

Think of it this way, instead of having just one vegan child, you will have two! Two vegans to enjoy cooking veggies and eating out at veggie restaurants with you, mom!

I know this will take some time and you may have a hard time explaining to everyone that you have a vegansexual child. But I know you must be so happy for me that I am proud and have finally came out of the pantry.

Love & Tofu,

Your Vegansexual Son

6 Comments

  1. Comment by

    Jason Das

    on #

    Patrick, this is very brave of you. I’m proud. Also know that I will totally hold you to this. If you start to waver and flirt with a non-vegan, look out. Stay pure!

  2. Comment by

    Beatyourheartout

    on #

    Is’nt this a bit offensive to gay people. Considering they have they can be kicked out for being gay, and sometimes hated in their family. When I told my family I was vegan nobody cared.

  3. Comment by

    Qikalou

    on #

    Oh come on, Beatyourheartout. They didn’t mean this as any sort of offense to gay people. They were being silly!

    This was actually very funny. I laughed so hard.
    Very clever.

  4. Comment by

    Janee

    on #

    Hello there my green friend!
    I too am vegansexual. I didn?t choose to be one. -It just kind of happened to me when I changed my diet, and then broke up with my Boyfriend. The guy I dated at the time was a vegetarian too. Once that relationship ended, I couldn?t stomach kissing a meat eater. As a result, I have been alone for 2 years. I just started a blog about my non-sexual life. Hey, I can be reached at urbanvegansexual@blogspot.com – The name of my blog is Urban Vegansexual – check it out!

  5. Comment by

    VeganKate

    on #

    Yeah, go, my VeganSexual!!!!!

  6. Comment by

    Achim

    on #

    Here is a cartoon on the subject: vegansexual. German original: gemischt-ethische Beziehungen (inter-ethical relationships)

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