The National Milk Producers Federation is urging the FDA to require that plant based milk-alternatives not be allowed to brand themselves as milk. According to the NMPF only beverages derived from “mammalian lacteal secretions” (ewww!) should be allowed to carry the term milk. (They even have a snazzy Facebook page too!)

That’s cool with me. I mean, really, the average consumer is sooooo obtuse; they could never see a distinction between ”milk” made from a bean and “milk” stolen from a baby cow. Besides, have you ever been in a supermarket? It’s like diorama of monotony where differentiating between a can of chickpeas and laundry detergent is like navigating the nuances of financial derivatives.

Thank you National Milk Producers Federation with your superhero-sounding name for making things easier on the dense consumers of the world; it’s because of you that America is great!

So what should we call it? How about something easy like Soy Juice or Liquid Soy? NotMilk is pretty good, but it lacks marketability. Soyzurp? Edamammory? Soyz II Men?

Too Late! Looks like Good Day New York’s Rosanna Scotto may have hit the nail on the head: “Soy Jizzum!”. (Video Below)

7 Comments

1. 
   Comment by

   notary class

   on April 30, 2010 at 4:48 pm #

   Would the soy companies be allowed to call it soy milk replacement or do they have to nix the name milk completely?

2. 
   Comment by

   miss rachel

   on April 30, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

   But what about coconut milk? Oh, grey areas.
   Speaking of coconuts, does the meat industry have a beef with the inside of fleshy fruits – and nuts – being called “meat”?

3. 
   Comment by

   piquo55

   on April 30, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

   It’s difficult enough to get people excited about actual issues, so I can’t believe anyone would actually care about this enough to invest time in supporting it. I did visit the group’s Facebook page and the vacuous supporting comments are at least pretty entertaining.

4. 
   Comment by

   Cigars

   on May 4, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

   I think the milk replacements are a little scary.. fake milk can’t be too good for you, I mean I’m thinking about the stuff they are making to put in baby formula.. you can’t even pronounce the stuff. I say stick to soy or nothing at all. No milk substitutes– there simply isn’t a substitute!
   -Sylvia

5. 
   Comment by

   BrownbirdRudyRelic

   on May 4, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

   I drank baby-formula as a infant. It was a budget brand so they put things like potting soil and human hair in it. It was green too. Good thing it tasted like god’s tears.

6. 
   Comment by

   Sergei

   on May 5, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

   I would be fine with not calling plant derivatives as milks. BUR, NMPF will have to properly label their produce as “coctails” or “mixes”, properly indicating the amount of blood, pus, urine and other tasty additives they have in that product, paasterized or not. Even if it has to say “less then 1% of …” Truth in labeling goes both ways!

7. 
   Comment by

   gurpreet

   on June 12, 2013 at 6:31 am #

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   Thanks very much for your kind comments… I’m glad my blog post could be of assistance to you.