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The Onion: “Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant”

I don’t have time to write much (any) commentary, but yay for The Onion! They’re really coming out with a lot of hard-hitting animal stuff lately, with this and the Horse Beating thing. (And maybe some others I’m forgetting? Please comment if you have more.)

Go read the whole article “Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant” and check out for more serious follow-up reading.

Topsy also delighted the audience after the trainer repeatedly thrust a hooked rod into his skin, causing the miserable animal to lift one leg and his trunk to simulate waving.

“Aww…” said the assembled circus-goers, who were taken by the cuteness of the barbaric spectacle.

Branden Helger, 9, said Topsy was his favorite performer at Ringling Bros. because the elephant knew how to do neat tricks like pretending to limp. The third-grader also excitedly pointed out the “cool necklace” clamped on the animal’s foot.

Topsy and the other elephant performers, who are separated from each other at all times, preventing the socialization that’s so crucial to their well-being, received a standing ovation from the crowd when they marched into the center ring, nervously rocking back and forth.

“Look, they’re dancing,” said 5-year-old Jonah Meeks, mistaking the elephants’ constant swaying for something that wasn’t a maladaptive behavior caused by serious psychological trauma. “I can dance like an elephant, too. Look at me!”

1 Comment

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    The bad part is – this should be in the real news. The Onion is known for parodies and totally made-up stories, while this one is complete reality.