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Tofutti to Debut Man Nipple Milk Cheese; Vegan Groups Say “It’s Vegan”

Vegan Cheese from Man Nipple Milk?

Vegan Cheese from Man Nipple Milk?

This is an April Fools post. It isn’t true.

Tofutti’s newest vegan soy cheese is very meltable, trans fat-free, more easily digestible, and best of all, nearly indistinguishable from cheese made from bovine mammary secretions. The only issue which may be of some concern to some people: the new soy cheese formulation will contain casein from the nipple milk of men.

According to Steve Kass, PR for Tofutti: “Casein is a milk protein that helps the soy-based cheese melt, and since vegans do not consume casein from animal’s milk and health advocates are concerned about the partially-hydrogenated plant oils that are in Tofutti cheeses, we decided to go ahead and explore the use of casein from milk produced by male lactation.”

But why casein from male lactation instead of female lactation? Kass explains: “we are a progressive company that is concerned about the sexual politics of the commoditization of women’s breastmilk; besides just as cow’s milk is for baby cows, a woman’s milk is for her babies.” Male lactation is an evolutionary ability caused by hormonal or physical stimulus. (Watch video via Gawker.)

Kass stresses that the casein from the nipple milk of men make up less than 1% of the new Tofutti soy cheese’s formulation. And leading vegan advocacy organizations including PETA, Farm Sanctuary, Vegan Outreach, Compassion Over Killing, and Mercy For Animals have all endorsed the new nipple milk cheeses as vegan.

A test batch was used yesterday for the cheese fries and pizzas at Foodswings’ 3rd anniversary party and Foodswings owner Freedom Tripodi reported that the new cheese was well-received, though 80% of the party attendees and staff were drunk or high on something.

13 Comments

  1. Comment by

    betsyshane

    on #

    I think it’s sexist that Tofutti has chosen to use men’s breast milk! Women produce better milk anyway, and if we didn’t, then men would nurse. We should boycott the product until they are equal opportunity employers for breast milk donation.

  2. Comment by

    zookmann

    on #

    dude i have to be honest it sounds disgusting but after sampleing the new cheese last night i hav eto tell you its delicious but i think they should rebrand it. no one will buy man whatever milk. GROSS!

  3. Comment by

    IsaChandra

    on #

    I’ve actually used milk from my cat to make cheese. I think it’s vegan because she has nipple scerloma, which means she couldn’t feed her kittens on her own. I used a cat breast pump to get the milk and I would feed the milk to the kittens with bottles, but often there would be some left over, so instead of letting it go to waste I made cheese.

  4. Comment by

    quietgrrrl

    on #

    I’ll agree that it’s probably vegan because humans can give informed consent and I’m going to assume the men are being compensated for their bodily secreation. But EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! No way am I gonna eat that.

  5. Comment by

    Laura Leslie

    on #

    Between this and the fetus dumplings, Patrick, you’ve provided with me with several years worth of material to feed my nightmares.

  6. Comment by

    Canaduck

    on #

    Well, that picture just does it for me. Where can I buy some man nipple milk? Delish!

  7. Comment by

    alliekat

    on #

    u better say april fools… :(

  8. Comment by

    Jason Das

    on #

    As one of the 20% at the Foodswings party who was neither drunk nor high, I can say with full authority that this new cheese is just as fat-coma inducing as whatever they used to use. Ugh.

  9. Comment by

    jeanijustine

    on #

    Please tell me this is an April Fools Joke!

  10. Comment by

    aharper12

    on #

    No offense, if this is true I don’t want human DNA in my food. I would feel like a cannibal. Thats the point of me being vegan now. Thats like people who eat placenta pate’ eww gross…

  11. Comment by

    mushroom_blotter

    on #

    I wouldn’t eat anything with people-products in it, but I’m still wondering – if the milk is produced from taking hormones that mimic/actually are pregnancy hormones (which I’m presuming it must be), how are the hormones being manufactured?

  12. Comment by

    penso

    on #

    There could be a problem with this,IE: The baby is a male,Simon is taking viagra????? What the hell is fetus dumplings? I’ve heard of placenta steak.

  13. Comment by

    leaf1975

    on #

    WHOA. I am in shock. This can’t be healthy for the dude, can it? I’m not questioning it’s vegan-ness but seriously? Is this neccessary. Jesus the jew people love their cheese.

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